Sunday, July 16, 2006
Getting Personal
Okay, I have to warn you this is not going to be a regular post. It's going to be very personal and not light hearted at all. Not even pleasant.
If you'd rather not read it ... scroll on down.
I try not to get too personal on this blog, but today something just needs to get out. So here it goes.
I was driving home from church today, listening to MC Hammer on the stereo. He has a great album called "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em". As I was driving home, "Help the Children" came on. Today this song spoke to my heart. You see, I was one of the children who needed help.
I'm not going to mention names here. Some of you may already know, so I'm asking you to please not leave "names" of any of those involved in my experience if you choose to comment on this entry. I thank you for your descretion in advance.
You see, a huge secret that I kept all to myself was that I was molested as a child.
I was molested as a child and I know the lasting effects that such abuse can leave on a person. I know the burden of keeping that secret. I know how this burden effects your self esteem. I know how it makes you feel deep down inside, even when you're smiling at those around you trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. I know how to "close the door" on a part of your life and keep that door closed to all of those around you ... even those who love you. I know how it feels to think that no one will understand it was abuse. That you didn't want to do it. That you're not guilty. I know how it feels to contemplate ending your own life.
But I am a survivor. I kept that door closed for twenty years but I can open that door now. I can talk about it when I am needed in order to help someone else. I can cry along with someone else who needs to sort it out and let out feelings that have been hidden and denied for so long.
I can remember the abuse, what was done, who it was, where I was when it happened, how it felt at the time and how it made me feel about myself afterwards. I can remember having to control the thoughts in my head. I can remember being too little to physically stop it from happening and being afraid of the threats that were made if I told anyone. I can remember being around this person and pretending that everything was all right. I can remember it being on going for years and years and years.
I can remember the day that I was physically big enough, old enough, strong enough, brave enough and mad enough to fight back and threatened them in return. I remember them looking me in the eye for a long moment and realizing that I was serious, capable and ready to follow through on the "promise" that I made them that day if they ever touched me again. That was the day it stopped. Not the last time it was attempted ... but the day it stopped.
I think the abuse started when I was four. I'm pretty sure it was before I started school. And it continued all through Elementary School. How can I not be sure when it started? Well, like I said, you "close the door" on things that are too painful to think about.
I think what got me through all of it was the fact that I had very loving parents. They didn't know what was happening ... but by golly they showed me every day how much they loved me. They told me so, they hugged me, they encouraged me in everything I did ... and without that I don't think I would have lived through my teenage years. Maybe even middle school years.
Now, I don't want the comments, if there are any, to be bashing abusers and name calling. That doesn't help anyone. Especially not me. I will delete anything like that is left.
What I do want you to do, especially if you have a history like mine, is to reach out and help someone else. Helping others to heal spiritually and emotionally has also helped me to heal spiritually and emotionally. I have worked with teens and helped several through abuse residue ... you know ... the baggage you are left with when you survive it.
Also, love your kids, your nieces and nephews and your family ... even your friends. Tell them that you love them as often as you can. Tell them you are proud of them and their achievements ... whatever they may be. Encourage them that they are good people and that they can accomplish great things. Encourage them that they can over come obstacles that are put in their path during life. That if you can't go over it, under it or around it ... go straight through it and come out on the other side. Encourage them to not hold resentment ... to be forgiving. Resentment eats at your soul.
You can survive the curves that life throws at you. I did it. I've known other people who have done it. You can do it. Anyone can do it. You just have to try.
Life is good. Life is what you make of it. Be positive. Allow yourself to forgive and let go of resentment. We've all had struggles ... what ever they have been ... let them go. They don't define who you are. You define who you are. You decided life is worth living. You decide to be happy. You decide to win ... and you win by going on on ... being happy ... and reaching for the stars.
Go for it.
If you'd rather not read it ... scroll on down.
I try not to get too personal on this blog, but today something just needs to get out. So here it goes.
I was driving home from church today, listening to MC Hammer on the stereo. He has a great album called "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em". As I was driving home, "Help the Children" came on. Today this song spoke to my heart. You see, I was one of the children who needed help.
I'm not going to mention names here. Some of you may already know, so I'm asking you to please not leave "names" of any of those involved in my experience if you choose to comment on this entry. I thank you for your descretion in advance.
You see, a huge secret that I kept all to myself was that I was molested as a child.
I was molested as a child and I know the lasting effects that such abuse can leave on a person. I know the burden of keeping that secret. I know how this burden effects your self esteem. I know how it makes you feel deep down inside, even when you're smiling at those around you trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. I know how to "close the door" on a part of your life and keep that door closed to all of those around you ... even those who love you. I know how it feels to think that no one will understand it was abuse. That you didn't want to do it. That you're not guilty. I know how it feels to contemplate ending your own life.
But I am a survivor. I kept that door closed for twenty years but I can open that door now. I can talk about it when I am needed in order to help someone else. I can cry along with someone else who needs to sort it out and let out feelings that have been hidden and denied for so long.
I can remember the abuse, what was done, who it was, where I was when it happened, how it felt at the time and how it made me feel about myself afterwards. I can remember having to control the thoughts in my head. I can remember being too little to physically stop it from happening and being afraid of the threats that were made if I told anyone. I can remember being around this person and pretending that everything was all right. I can remember it being on going for years and years and years.
I can remember the day that I was physically big enough, old enough, strong enough, brave enough and mad enough to fight back and threatened them in return. I remember them looking me in the eye for a long moment and realizing that I was serious, capable and ready to follow through on the "promise" that I made them that day if they ever touched me again. That was the day it stopped. Not the last time it was attempted ... but the day it stopped.
I think the abuse started when I was four. I'm pretty sure it was before I started school. And it continued all through Elementary School. How can I not be sure when it started? Well, like I said, you "close the door" on things that are too painful to think about.
I think what got me through all of it was the fact that I had very loving parents. They didn't know what was happening ... but by golly they showed me every day how much they loved me. They told me so, they hugged me, they encouraged me in everything I did ... and without that I don't think I would have lived through my teenage years. Maybe even middle school years.
Now, I don't want the comments, if there are any, to be bashing abusers and name calling. That doesn't help anyone. Especially not me. I will delete anything like that is left.
What I do want you to do, especially if you have a history like mine, is to reach out and help someone else. Helping others to heal spiritually and emotionally has also helped me to heal spiritually and emotionally. I have worked with teens and helped several through abuse residue ... you know ... the baggage you are left with when you survive it.
Also, love your kids, your nieces and nephews and your family ... even your friends. Tell them that you love them as often as you can. Tell them you are proud of them and their achievements ... whatever they may be. Encourage them that they are good people and that they can accomplish great things. Encourage them that they can over come obstacles that are put in their path during life. That if you can't go over it, under it or around it ... go straight through it and come out on the other side. Encourage them to not hold resentment ... to be forgiving. Resentment eats at your soul.
You can survive the curves that life throws at you. I did it. I've known other people who have done it. You can do it. Anyone can do it. You just have to try.
Life is good. Life is what you make of it. Be positive. Allow yourself to forgive and let go of resentment. We've all had struggles ... what ever they have been ... let them go. They don't define who you are. You define who you are. You decided life is worth living. You decide to be happy. You decide to win ... and you win by going on on ... being happy ... and reaching for the stars.
Go for it.
Comments:
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Dear Ava, I don't know too many women, whom were NOT abused at least once, growing up.
However, your nightmare started for you, so very young!
I am so very sorry this happened to you Ava!! From your blog-posts, the joy of your music; one would never have known, the deeper wound inside you.
Ava, you have my utmost respect for your courage & strength, to talk about your experience, in the hopes of reaching out to other victims; with the message that, healing from abuse, can occur!!
Ava, you are probably giving a woman/girl out there somewhere, the strength and courage she needed, to stop her abuser!!
My sister and I were touched once as a young girl, and it did profound emotional upheaval. My eldest sister was raped, and my other sister forced to give oral sex. I was only touched. My mom noticed a change in my mood-and opened the door to communicate about what happened.
It was a Father, of a family friend of Mom's. She called her friend, he went and confronted him. The old man, died weeks later of a heart attack. I felt like it was my fault, which added to the burden I now bore(and my sister)
Ava, it took me probably 20 years, to realize, it was not my fault, he had a heart attack. I felt, I killed him, by revealing his dirty deed.
It was so hard, to overcome that obsessive fealing I was wrong.
Today, the event leaves no scars; however, it sure has/did effect my trust system with people. I am overprotective of my son, and wouldn't let him stay, at just anyones home for an overnight. I never got babysitters, unless it was Mom.
Sometimes, I wonder why things like this have to happen; and all we can do really, is remind ourselve's we were a victim, not the perpetrator.
Ava, kudo's to you, for your courage/strength, and the ability to overcome your abusers lasting scars..
Much, much love to you Ava!
North
However, your nightmare started for you, so very young!
I am so very sorry this happened to you Ava!! From your blog-posts, the joy of your music; one would never have known, the deeper wound inside you.
Ava, you have my utmost respect for your courage & strength, to talk about your experience, in the hopes of reaching out to other victims; with the message that, healing from abuse, can occur!!
Ava, you are probably giving a woman/girl out there somewhere, the strength and courage she needed, to stop her abuser!!
My sister and I were touched once as a young girl, and it did profound emotional upheaval. My eldest sister was raped, and my other sister forced to give oral sex. I was only touched. My mom noticed a change in my mood-and opened the door to communicate about what happened.
It was a Father, of a family friend of Mom's. She called her friend, he went and confronted him. The old man, died weeks later of a heart attack. I felt like it was my fault, which added to the burden I now bore(and my sister)
Ava, it took me probably 20 years, to realize, it was not my fault, he had a heart attack. I felt, I killed him, by revealing his dirty deed.
It was so hard, to overcome that obsessive fealing I was wrong.
Today, the event leaves no scars; however, it sure has/did effect my trust system with people. I am overprotective of my son, and wouldn't let him stay, at just anyones home for an overnight. I never got babysitters, unless it was Mom.
Sometimes, I wonder why things like this have to happen; and all we can do really, is remind ourselve's we were a victim, not the perpetrator.
Ava, kudo's to you, for your courage/strength, and the ability to overcome your abusers lasting scars..
Much, much love to you Ava!
North
# posted by 
: 9:28 AM
: 9:28 AM
Always positive Ava. Thank you for the courage to share.
You've come out the other side and that takes courage as well.
I have my own stories to share but they will keep for another time.
Just know you're not alone in your pain and your desire to help others.
Ann
You've come out the other side and that takes courage as well.
I have my own stories to share but they will keep for another time.
Just know you're not alone in your pain and your desire to help others.
Ann
http://www.isitaboutsexblog.com/
Ava, this is a blog I frequent. I used to post there a lot, many months ago.
These darling women, are all sexual abuse councilors; and their blog is on issues regarding abuse.
It is one of the most informative, and reliable sites, to which to find information, and converse with women(from India) willing to talk to anyone about their experiences.
Tell Jasjit, Anusheh or Chaitali; if you go there, North sent you : )
Check their archives. Many articles they've personally written on sexual abuse issues.
I find it an awesome site-and they are very approachable.
Read there a while first, see what they have... maybe it will help you further, or anyone else reading this, needing the support of professional women sexual abuse councilors. Then, post when you are comfortable.
Love, North
Ava, this is a blog I frequent. I used to post there a lot, many months ago.
These darling women, are all sexual abuse councilors; and their blog is on issues regarding abuse.
It is one of the most informative, and reliable sites, to which to find information, and converse with women(from India) willing to talk to anyone about their experiences.
Tell Jasjit, Anusheh or Chaitali; if you go there, North sent you : )
Check their archives. Many articles they've personally written on sexual abuse issues.
I find it an awesome site-and they are very approachable.
Read there a while first, see what they have... maybe it will help you further, or anyone else reading this, needing the support of professional women sexual abuse councilors. Then, post when you are comfortable.
Love, North
# posted by : 9:33 AM
: 9:33 AM
Well, thank you all for all of your comments. And thankyou for keeping them positive.
At one time the statistics were one in every six women have been victims of sexual abuse. It may be even higher now.
I wrote that post in an emotional moment ... but hoping that maybe it might help someone who might be feeling all alone.
North, thanks for sharing part of your history. Isn't it amazing that you keep it quiet at the time and feel so alone when the reality is that probably at least three other people in each of our classes at school were going through the same thing? If I'd only known then what I know now, I would have told and it would have stopped so much sooner. However, the "fall out" from telling scared me more at the time than dealing with what was happening. I just didn't have to do it all on my own, you know?
At one time the statistics were one in every six women have been victims of sexual abuse. It may be even higher now.
I wrote that post in an emotional moment ... but hoping that maybe it might help someone who might be feeling all alone.
North, thanks for sharing part of your history. Isn't it amazing that you keep it quiet at the time and feel so alone when the reality is that probably at least three other people in each of our classes at school were going through the same thing? If I'd only known then what I know now, I would have told and it would have stopped so much sooner. However, the "fall out" from telling scared me more at the time than dealing with what was happening. I just didn't have to do it all on my own, you know?
Hi Ava, indeed, how deep we can bury our fears, pain and the unspeakables happening to us!!
Often, this only serves to magnify the problems associating with abuse.
My eldest sis, the one whom was raped, bore a daughter from that rape. She was 15. I was 10, my other sis, was 11. She went on to become one of the best sexual abuse and family addictions councilors I've ever known!
Neither 3 of us knew, what was happening TO the other; this is how driven deep our abuser bury's our fear.
If it were not for Mom, catching the changes in my moods, or my sister(11)and if I had not the courage to tell her; I shudder to think, the ongoing abuse that could have happened, because my sis didn't tell anyone either. The eldest sis who was raped, didn't either; until her pregnancy showed.
How amazingly though Ava for YOU, to have found the strength, to overcome your nightmarish ordeals; to become beautiful, funny, sharing, music-angel, AVA! : )
North
Often, this only serves to magnify the problems associating with abuse.
My eldest sis, the one whom was raped, bore a daughter from that rape. She was 15. I was 10, my other sis, was 11. She went on to become one of the best sexual abuse and family addictions councilors I've ever known!
Neither 3 of us knew, what was happening TO the other; this is how driven deep our abuser bury's our fear.
If it were not for Mom, catching the changes in my moods, or my sister(11)and if I had not the courage to tell her; I shudder to think, the ongoing abuse that could have happened, because my sis didn't tell anyone either. The eldest sis who was raped, didn't either; until her pregnancy showed.
How amazingly though Ava for YOU, to have found the strength, to overcome your nightmarish ordeals; to become beautiful, funny, sharing, music-angel, AVA! : )
North
# posted by : 5:38 PM
: 5:38 PM
Dear sweet Ava...I also don't know many women who were not abused by someone in their lifetime. It is much more common than anyone thinks.
My abuse started by a cousin of my father's when I was 7 years old and I kept it a secret for probably 35 years or longer, and one day I told my father about it, but he could no longer remember which cousin it might have been. I told my dad about how I cried everytime he made me go anywhere with this man and begged not to go, but no one would listen. I didn't cry softly either, I cried loudly and did everything I could think of so I wouldn't have to go, but they always made me go. Once I made my brother go with me, but he made my brother sit in the back seat while he fondled me in the front seat while he drove...I can't tell you here what else he did. It was a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on any child.
I certainly learned that when my children cried and didn't want to be around someone, not to force them...I knew that they must have their reason and I would ask them and initiat a conversation on people that aren't so nice.
When I was 11 another married man tried to abuse me, but I was old enough to take care of myself by this time and quickly put a stop to it.
At school the girls would warn each other about who's dad to watch out for and to stay out of their way and to never allow ourselves to be alone with these dads. This was a sad state of affairs, but I was always grateful when a girlfriend of mine would forewarn me about her stepdad or some male member of her family who was a sexual abusiver.
I talked with my daughters after they were grown and was sadly informed that as teenagers they had also been sexually abused. So no matter how you try to protect your children, it's all around and it is a very fortunate woman who survives without the abuse.
The more open this subject is the better we can protect our children from such abuses. The children need to hear from us parents early that it is not ok and that they should tell us when someone touches them in an uncomfortable way.
Years ago we kept this as a big secret and I am glad it is out in the open now and that parents are not afraid to talk about these things with their very young children, and they should continue to talk to their adolescense and teens.
Thank you Ava
My abuse started by a cousin of my father's when I was 7 years old and I kept it a secret for probably 35 years or longer, and one day I told my father about it, but he could no longer remember which cousin it might have been. I told my dad about how I cried everytime he made me go anywhere with this man and begged not to go, but no one would listen. I didn't cry softly either, I cried loudly and did everything I could think of so I wouldn't have to go, but they always made me go. Once I made my brother go with me, but he made my brother sit in the back seat while he fondled me in the front seat while he drove...I can't tell you here what else he did. It was a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on any child.
I certainly learned that when my children cried and didn't want to be around someone, not to force them...I knew that they must have their reason and I would ask them and initiat a conversation on people that aren't so nice.
When I was 11 another married man tried to abuse me, but I was old enough to take care of myself by this time and quickly put a stop to it.
At school the girls would warn each other about who's dad to watch out for and to stay out of their way and to never allow ourselves to be alone with these dads. This was a sad state of affairs, but I was always grateful when a girlfriend of mine would forewarn me about her stepdad or some male member of her family who was a sexual abusiver.
I talked with my daughters after they were grown and was sadly informed that as teenagers they had also been sexually abused. So no matter how you try to protect your children, it's all around and it is a very fortunate woman who survives without the abuse.
The more open this subject is the better we can protect our children from such abuses. The children need to hear from us parents early that it is not ok and that they should tell us when someone touches them in an uncomfortable way.
Years ago we kept this as a big secret and I am glad it is out in the open now and that parents are not afraid to talk about these things with their very young children, and they should continue to talk to their adolescense and teens.
Thank you Ava
Hello Ava ~~ Thank you for telling your story which should help others
to get on with their lives. You always seem so sunny and smiling. You have done really well my friend.
Take care, Merle.
to get on with their lives. You always seem so sunny and smiling. You have done really well my friend.
Take care, Merle.
Pasadena,
It is amazing to hear that your friends all warned eachother who to stay away from. That must have saved a lot of girls ... and boys ... from being caught unaware.
And let's not forget the boys who this happens to every day. It isn't just girls.
It was two cousins who abused me and like you said, I was always around them. My parents didn't know, so they didn't think anything about us going to their house or them coming to mine. I didn't tell anyone until I was around 25 years old and then it was an accident. I was working on a research paper in college on sex abuse victims and mentioned outloud that it would be good therapy. I said that over the phone to my mother and then we hung up. I was standing there going, "oh crap! crap! crap!" A few minutes later the phone rang and I knew who it was and what my mother was going to ask me. That's how it came out.
Fortunately today it is something that people talk about. They even learn about it at school that it's not okay for anyone to touch you in a manner that makes you uncomfortable. I am so thankful for that.
I've been thinking about becoming a child's advocate. These are the people who are assigned an abuse victim to befriend and go to all of their court dates with and just hold their hand and listen to them and be there for them. However, this would mean missing a lot of work and I don't know if I can do that.
At the very least I'm considering becoming a Big Sister to someone. I've never been involved in the Big Brother/Big Sister program before. I told my husband that I wouldn't have time to just hang out and stuff, but could take them to music with me. Maybe teach them to play an instrument or something and drag them right along!! He didn't see anything wrong with that. I'll have to investigate the program a little.
It is amazing to hear that your friends all warned eachother who to stay away from. That must have saved a lot of girls ... and boys ... from being caught unaware.
And let's not forget the boys who this happens to every day. It isn't just girls.
It was two cousins who abused me and like you said, I was always around them. My parents didn't know, so they didn't think anything about us going to their house or them coming to mine. I didn't tell anyone until I was around 25 years old and then it was an accident. I was working on a research paper in college on sex abuse victims and mentioned outloud that it would be good therapy. I said that over the phone to my mother and then we hung up. I was standing there going, "oh crap! crap! crap!" A few minutes later the phone rang and I knew who it was and what my mother was going to ask me. That's how it came out.
Fortunately today it is something that people talk about. They even learn about it at school that it's not okay for anyone to touch you in a manner that makes you uncomfortable. I am so thankful for that.
I've been thinking about becoming a child's advocate. These are the people who are assigned an abuse victim to befriend and go to all of their court dates with and just hold their hand and listen to them and be there for them. However, this would mean missing a lot of work and I don't know if I can do that.
At the very least I'm considering becoming a Big Sister to someone. I've never been involved in the Big Brother/Big Sister program before. I told my husband that I wouldn't have time to just hang out and stuff, but could take them to music with me. Maybe teach them to play an instrument or something and drag them right along!! He didn't see anything wrong with that. I'll have to investigate the program a little.
Ava...the Big Brother Big Sister program sounds great and I can see a lovely relationship that would develop if you had a child to mentor. Teaching them to play an instrument would give them some self worth and a sense of accomplishment. Sounds like a good plan and not so demanding as a child advocate. Sometimes it's much easier for a child to talk to another person other than a parent about issues involving abuse.
You are a great example with your bubbly personality that there is life after abuse.
You are a great example with your bubbly personality that there is life after abuse.
Ava, I'm so glad you posted this - and you did so very eloquently. So real. Your wounds are the healing now for others. I love the concept of the Wounded Healer - Jesus being the ultimate one - and he was willing to reveal his scars (e.g. to Thomas). You have revealed yours. Thankyou.
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